You're probably thinking this is a blog about New Year's Resolutions.
It's not.
This is an entry about mending relationships. I've made mistakes in the past in the way that I've handled issues within relationships. This time around, I've learned. Years ago, I used to have a best friend and he and I had a huge arguement. To make a long story short, it was all miscommunication and we handled the situation by not talking to each other for 1 week. I tried, but gave up on trying when I was met with hostility from him. Our friend, L, kept telling us that we needed to mend the relationship. We didn't because he didn't want to. When we actually tried to mend it, we ended up yelling and crying and he ended it. I was devastated and moped around for weeks after that. I felt like my heart was pulled out from my body through my chest. It was almost the most painful thing I had ever experienced.
Like the previous entry stated to an extent, I had a huge fight with my best friend C. Since I didn't want to leave this conversation like I had the previous time, I made sure that we confronted this issue head on. And we did. Sitting in a car, putting forth every buried feeling and shedding every tear. We expressed suppressed issues and true feelings. This was a very cleansing moment for me.
Friendships that are meant to last, last. And those that aren't meant to last, end. This one is definitely one that is lasting. Moments like these make us stronger and more proud to have solid people who will never give up on you and promise to stand by your side, even when you have lost your mind. This is what true friendships are made of. When something is worth fighting for, you know. I was fighting tooth and nail to keep this friendship above water (literally...it's been raining for 3 days now) because she means that much to me. No one (outside of my mother, aunt, brothers, 'immediate' cousins) has ever cared for me so much and I have never put everything on the line to save what I cherish.
PSA: Fix relationships. Once you're out of the moment of fixing what's broken, only then will you realize whether this person is truly in the relationship for themselves, you or them. I'm in this relationship for us.
To C, like we've said "I'm never giving up on you." And these words are true.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Drama Free
This is supposed to be the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year".
It was until last night.
Let me start by saying this: I have been in school for the intense time called Fall Quarter. When it got out, I was so excited because that meant I could go home and relax on my couch for 3 weeks before Winter Quarter started and chaos continued again. Since I've been home (last Monday) I have spent 1 day actually sitting on my couch doing nothing. Each day, people want to hang out with me, I have to go run errands, take my lil brother places.
Last night, I was confronted with drama.
I'm popular and lots of people want to hang out with me. So I'm doing the best I can to have face time with everyone in my phone book who really matters (not to say that other people in my phone don't matter, because they do...just go with me). I went to a Christmas party last night at my best friend's house and there was a bunch of people there who I haven't seen in months. It was nice to catch up with them and relish in the holiday spirit. After the party I went home and that's when it all started.
My other best friend wanted to hang out today (C) and go shopping and then go see BLACK SWAN. I made those plans with her. The person's house I was at (L), said that he wanted to see BLACK SWAN today with our other best friend (C, not the one from above) and I thought "Cool. We all can see it together. My cousin wants to see it too". Not happening apparently.
So C (not the last one mentioned) got pissed because I wasn't hanging out with her alone and that I would rather hang out with everyone else except her.
Pause.
WTF????? I'm so confused. How did I get reprimanded for making everyone happy? Seriously? Honestly, I don't need this drama. So you know what I said? Don't come. Stay home. Do whatever the heck you want to do, but I'm not catering to you. People who are closer to me than you (E) is not getting upset because I haven't seen her since October! We've been friends since I was a freshman in high school! She's not tripping out because I haven't seen her. Get a grip.
I could make this entry much longer, but it's gonna make me upset again and I'm not down with that. Instead, I'm gonna relish in my family-Chipotle time and then look forward to seeing BLACK SWAN with people who aren't Jasmine-obsessed.
It was until last night.
Let me start by saying this: I have been in school for the intense time called Fall Quarter. When it got out, I was so excited because that meant I could go home and relax on my couch for 3 weeks before Winter Quarter started and chaos continued again. Since I've been home (last Monday) I have spent 1 day actually sitting on my couch doing nothing. Each day, people want to hang out with me, I have to go run errands, take my lil brother places.
Last night, I was confronted with drama.
I'm popular and lots of people want to hang out with me. So I'm doing the best I can to have face time with everyone in my phone book who really matters (not to say that other people in my phone don't matter, because they do...just go with me). I went to a Christmas party last night at my best friend's house and there was a bunch of people there who I haven't seen in months. It was nice to catch up with them and relish in the holiday spirit. After the party I went home and that's when it all started.
My other best friend wanted to hang out today (C) and go shopping and then go see BLACK SWAN. I made those plans with her. The person's house I was at (L), said that he wanted to see BLACK SWAN today with our other best friend (C, not the one from above) and I thought "Cool. We all can see it together. My cousin wants to see it too". Not happening apparently.
So C (not the last one mentioned) got pissed because I wasn't hanging out with her alone and that I would rather hang out with everyone else except her.
Pause.
WTF????? I'm so confused. How did I get reprimanded for making everyone happy? Seriously? Honestly, I don't need this drama. So you know what I said? Don't come. Stay home. Do whatever the heck you want to do, but I'm not catering to you. People who are closer to me than you (E) is not getting upset because I haven't seen her since October! We've been friends since I was a freshman in high school! She's not tripping out because I haven't seen her. Get a grip.
I could make this entry much longer, but it's gonna make me upset again and I'm not down with that. Instead, I'm gonna relish in my family-Chipotle time and then look forward to seeing BLACK SWAN with people who aren't Jasmine-obsessed.
Monday, December 13, 2010
High-Fiving A Million Angels
I made it. Fall Quarter 2010 is complete. I can't say that I know how well I made out, but I did the best I could with the crap I was handed.
I celebrated the end of the quarter with a wine and cheese with my roommates (only 2 of them). It was really nice because we just sat in the apartment and talked about life and sex (with one of my roommates, that's always where the conversation leads) and how the quarter sucked and how the next one better be much better.
One of my roommates is from Singapore and that party was the last time we would hang out with her, and in fact it was. We had cheese, bread, fruit, meats and WINE! Singaporean-roommate, WeiWei, and I had 3 bottles of wine while the other roommate, Anna, had sparkling cider. She had a small glass of wine but it took her forever to drink it. Love you lightweight-roomie, I really do.
The conversation and wine continued to flow after we finished eating and then we exchanged Christmas gifts. It was so nice to relax after a very hectic Quarter and just take in the ladies who have put up with my moodiness for this quarter and laughter and lots of conversations.
When the apartment was empty, I spent the weekend holed up inside with singing, hulu.com and bottles of wine (3 to be exact). I walked around the apartment on Saturday in nothing but a bra and underwear and danced alone. I loved it. There was no better feeling than that in the world.
*sigh*
Now all that's done and I'm back in the good ol' I-town for the holidays with the people who make me sane.
I never said this, but I appreciate Brandi and Christine for coming up to visit me in my depression.
I celebrated the end of the quarter with a wine and cheese with my roommates (only 2 of them). It was really nice because we just sat in the apartment and talked about life and sex (with one of my roommates, that's always where the conversation leads) and how the quarter sucked and how the next one better be much better.
One of my roommates is from Singapore and that party was the last time we would hang out with her, and in fact it was. We had cheese, bread, fruit, meats and WINE! Singaporean-roommate, WeiWei, and I had 3 bottles of wine while the other roommate, Anna, had sparkling cider. She had a small glass of wine but it took her forever to drink it. Love you lightweight-roomie, I really do.
The conversation and wine continued to flow after we finished eating and then we exchanged Christmas gifts. It was so nice to relax after a very hectic Quarter and just take in the ladies who have put up with my moodiness for this quarter and laughter and lots of conversations.
When the apartment was empty, I spent the weekend holed up inside with singing, hulu.com and bottles of wine (3 to be exact). I walked around the apartment on Saturday in nothing but a bra and underwear and danced alone. I loved it. There was no better feeling than that in the world.
*sigh*
Now all that's done and I'm back in the good ol' I-town for the holidays with the people who make me sane.
I never said this, but I appreciate Brandi and Christine for coming up to visit me in my depression.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Alone
I just had to say that I don't like feeling alone.
All of a sudden, I had this feeling come over me and I realized that I am feeling alone. I don't like it. I go through day to day and wonder if I'm ever going to find someone to share my hopes, dreams, fears, desires, pains with. There's only so much a best friend and family can do. You need that emotional connection like no other. Your family loves you unconditionally, but what about the romantic connection, the touch and breath and warmth of that skin against yours. I don't know how people go without this day in and day out. Don't get me wrong, I've been in that state for years (not caring/needing/wanting a relationship) but today, this week, has been a little different. I need to get out of this funk.
I'm done.
All of a sudden, I had this feeling come over me and I realized that I am feeling alone. I don't like it. I go through day to day and wonder if I'm ever going to find someone to share my hopes, dreams, fears, desires, pains with. There's only so much a best friend and family can do. You need that emotional connection like no other. Your family loves you unconditionally, but what about the romantic connection, the touch and breath and warmth of that skin against yours. I don't know how people go without this day in and day out. Don't get me wrong, I've been in that state for years (not caring/needing/wanting a relationship) but today, this week, has been a little different. I need to get out of this funk.
I'm done.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
To Whom It May Concern
I was just looking around online at clothes and plus size things and things that aren't necessarily plus size. I am so pissed because I am in the middle size. I am not small enough to wear clothes in Forever 21 (though I have managed to find some things when I'm intently searching) and I am not big enough for clothes in Lane Bryant/Torrid. I hate being the middle. Can't they just make a store where they make clothes for people like me in the interim? I have large hips and pants don't fit me right. Because I have a massive booty, I have to buy pants that fit the booty but don't fit the waist. As a result, I buy the pants because they fit me everywhere else but then the waist buckles when I wear a belt. Someone please point me to the pants that fit me right? I was at New York & Company, just looking around and I came across my favorite style of pants: WIDE LEG!
Photo courtesy of New York & Company via www.nyandcompany.com
These are the exact pants that I tried on. The only problem is that there are pockets! I hate pockets on wide leg pants because they add bulkiness to my hips. Because they are so wide, it doesn't help my frame, but just makes my mid-section look extra large. There's already cushion there, so I don't need more. So, New York & Company, can you please make these pants without pockets? I would buy them and love you guys forever! By the way, thank you for my new wool peacoat! It will be worn quite frequently this winter. GRACIAS!
Sincerely,
Wide Hipster
Photo courtesy of New York & Company via www.nyandcompany.com
These are the exact pants that I tried on. The only problem is that there are pockets! I hate pockets on wide leg pants because they add bulkiness to my hips. Because they are so wide, it doesn't help my frame, but just makes my mid-section look extra large. There's already cushion there, so I don't need more. So, New York & Company, can you please make these pants without pockets? I would buy them and love you guys forever! By the way, thank you for my new wool peacoat! It will be worn quite frequently this winter. GRACIAS!
Sincerely,
Wide Hipster
Think and Think Again
Hello world. Yes, I've been MIA for a very long time. If you must know, I've been at school, absorbed in the intensity called Fall Quarter. I'm basically getting back into the swing of things.
Thought that's not an excuse to take 10 minutes out of my day to blog, I am, quite literally, up to my neck in words. Which means, that I spend all my spare time, which isn't necessarily free in the sense of the word, reading books/plays/short stories. I have 3 Creative Writing classes and 1 Theater class. Life is all work and Friday night play for me.
Back to the point. I went to a store party last night on campus. It was 2 hours of free food and pool/video games/conversation. It was very nice to get out of the apartment and away from books for awhile. I conversed with some co-workers and played some very emotional games of pool with my fellow manager and bosses. It was quite fun.
After the party, everyone pretty much went on their own path and basically went back to their apartments for the night. A fellow manager, barista and I didn't want the the night to end so soon. With 2 other baristas, we decided that the 5 of us should take the party somewhere else. Since I go to school with a bunch of younger people, I am the token buyer of alcohol. We did a gas station run (which is a lot different than where I'm from) and bought some beer and alcoholic energy drinks (which taste like medicine). We basically spent the night getting to know each other and laughing. Typical college night, you could say.
The conversation turned into sex talk, which apparently happens at all of the college parties I end up at. Being 25 years old, I have experience in male-female relations (not claiming to be an expert by any means) and can offer advice. That's what happened.
Without going into a long drawn out story and summing it up into a general sentence, one girl wanted to know if she should wait around for a guy she likes that doesn't know what he wants, or go for a guy that she doesn't necessarily like but she knows that she could get laid (she was horny and was tired of waiting, basically, though it's a bit more complicated than that). I offered her to get laid. She has needs and waiting around for a guy to emotionally drain her was not helping. So, she got laid last night, to put it bluntly. She had been thinking about this for a few weeks, from what I understand.
Needless to say, this got me thinking about myself. Though, I don't have that dilemma, I do understand the physicality that a woman needs and wants to feel. Since the start of the school year, I have met a couple of people who would like to get to know me better (if you know what I mean). Though I have not physically been with anyone that I met, it made me think that going into a physical relationship only complicates things (it has in the past). So why not just cut out the complication and just be celibate? Maybe that's something I should look into. I haven't been promiscuous for awhile (not giving a date) and I realize that without it, I can understand a real person without all the sexual innuendos. I don't need all of that. Besides, I don't have time for a physical, let alone emotional, relationship. So, I think from now on, I am vowing to be celibate. It worked for me before, so it should work for me again. Maybe it'll help me focus on things that I need to do (not that I'm readily distracted). We'll see.
So, here's to time number 2. Version: Celibacy, Think Again.
Thought that's not an excuse to take 10 minutes out of my day to blog, I am, quite literally, up to my neck in words. Which means, that I spend all my spare time, which isn't necessarily free in the sense of the word, reading books/plays/short stories. I have 3 Creative Writing classes and 1 Theater class. Life is all work and Friday night play for me.
Back to the point. I went to a store party last night on campus. It was 2 hours of free food and pool/video games/conversation. It was very nice to get out of the apartment and away from books for awhile. I conversed with some co-workers and played some very emotional games of pool with my fellow manager and bosses. It was quite fun.
After the party, everyone pretty much went on their own path and basically went back to their apartments for the night. A fellow manager, barista and I didn't want the the night to end so soon. With 2 other baristas, we decided that the 5 of us should take the party somewhere else. Since I go to school with a bunch of younger people, I am the token buyer of alcohol. We did a gas station run (which is a lot different than where I'm from) and bought some beer and alcoholic energy drinks (which taste like medicine). We basically spent the night getting to know each other and laughing. Typical college night, you could say.
The conversation turned into sex talk, which apparently happens at all of the college parties I end up at. Being 25 years old, I have experience in male-female relations (not claiming to be an expert by any means) and can offer advice. That's what happened.
Without going into a long drawn out story and summing it up into a general sentence, one girl wanted to know if she should wait around for a guy she likes that doesn't know what he wants, or go for a guy that she doesn't necessarily like but she knows that she could get laid (she was horny and was tired of waiting, basically, though it's a bit more complicated than that). I offered her to get laid. She has needs and waiting around for a guy to emotionally drain her was not helping. So, she got laid last night, to put it bluntly. She had been thinking about this for a few weeks, from what I understand.
Needless to say, this got me thinking about myself. Though, I don't have that dilemma, I do understand the physicality that a woman needs and wants to feel. Since the start of the school year, I have met a couple of people who would like to get to know me better (if you know what I mean). Though I have not physically been with anyone that I met, it made me think that going into a physical relationship only complicates things (it has in the past). So why not just cut out the complication and just be celibate? Maybe that's something I should look into. I haven't been promiscuous for awhile (not giving a date) and I realize that without it, I can understand a real person without all the sexual innuendos. I don't need all of that. Besides, I don't have time for a physical, let alone emotional, relationship. So, I think from now on, I am vowing to be celibate. It worked for me before, so it should work for me again. Maybe it'll help me focus on things that I need to do (not that I'm readily distracted). We'll see.
So, here's to time number 2. Version: Celibacy, Think Again.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Mind Control
Women, ladies, girls, whatever you want to be called...
DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THESE MEN!
Now before I get into my rant, I just watched an episode of Oprah today with my mom/aunt about these young girls who were married to some Christian cult leader. It got me thinking about being brainwashed and controlled by a man. I recently heard about a family member of mine being abused. I do not talk to this family member anymore, but if they were to read this they would know that I don't condone cowardice!
DISCLAIMER: My language may be a little vulgar, but I have to get it out and vent.
I will tell you right now, that I will be DAMNED if a man tells me that I have to follow his rules. Let him lay a hand on me and I will unleash the wrath of every woman who has ever been physically hurt.
Women...please tell me why you allow yourself to be pushed around and hit by a dude? What does he have that you don't? A Penis! That's it! You have heart and you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders every single day and you let a man harm you? HELL TO THE NO! Someone please explain to me why you let a man harm you? Why do you call the police and have them show up to your door and then tell them that "it was an accident"? You know darn well that it was not an accident. Have his ass arrested! The police would be at my door trying to arrest me because I cut him with a knife. Seriously? Don't test me! Ask my mom what she did to my dad when they were playing around and tickling each other (years ago) and he accidently hit her?: She woke him up at the crack of dawn and slapped him right across his face and said "don't think I was gonna let that slide just because we were playing...I don't want you to think that hitting me was okay." Granted this next example doesn't fit the mold exactly because I wasn't actually hit, but it's a good example at getting my point across: My brother was in my room one night and was drunk and was making a bunch of noise and I told him to be quiet or to get out and he did neither; I told him 2 more times and that last time I had had enough (mind you, I warned him that if he didn't do like I asked, he would get hit)he didn't listen so his lip got busted (had to put it out there, bro...let these ladies know what's up and how to defend themselves).
I want you all to see what it's like to defend yourself. You have the power to walk away from it. Don't say that you don't. My aunt walked away from her husband for the sake of her kids. Don't say "I have to stay for my kids" cause that's a lie. Your kids will benefit from you getting out of abuse.
If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, send them to me. I will open my doors and show you how to grow a pair and fight back.
Don't let a man treat you like dirt. Make him treat you like the queen you are. The minute he disrespects you, show him the door. You don't need him. Let him know who runs things. 9 times out of 10, he's insecure and that's why he belittles you.
DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THESE MEN!
Now before I get into my rant, I just watched an episode of Oprah today with my mom/aunt about these young girls who were married to some Christian cult leader. It got me thinking about being brainwashed and controlled by a man. I recently heard about a family member of mine being abused. I do not talk to this family member anymore, but if they were to read this they would know that I don't condone cowardice!
DISCLAIMER: My language may be a little vulgar, but I have to get it out and vent.
I will tell you right now, that I will be DAMNED if a man tells me that I have to follow his rules. Let him lay a hand on me and I will unleash the wrath of every woman who has ever been physically hurt.
Women...please tell me why you allow yourself to be pushed around and hit by a dude? What does he have that you don't? A Penis! That's it! You have heart and you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders every single day and you let a man harm you? HELL TO THE NO! Someone please explain to me why you let a man harm you? Why do you call the police and have them show up to your door and then tell them that "it was an accident"? You know darn well that it was not an accident. Have his ass arrested! The police would be at my door trying to arrest me because I cut him with a knife. Seriously? Don't test me! Ask my mom what she did to my dad when they were playing around and tickling each other (years ago) and he accidently hit her?: She woke him up at the crack of dawn and slapped him right across his face and said "don't think I was gonna let that slide just because we were playing...I don't want you to think that hitting me was okay." Granted this next example doesn't fit the mold exactly because I wasn't actually hit, but it's a good example at getting my point across: My brother was in my room one night and was drunk and was making a bunch of noise and I told him to be quiet or to get out and he did neither; I told him 2 more times and that last time I had had enough (mind you, I warned him that if he didn't do like I asked, he would get hit)he didn't listen so his lip got busted (had to put it out there, bro...let these ladies know what's up and how to defend themselves).
I want you all to see what it's like to defend yourself. You have the power to walk away from it. Don't say that you don't. My aunt walked away from her husband for the sake of her kids. Don't say "I have to stay for my kids" cause that's a lie. Your kids will benefit from you getting out of abuse.
If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, send them to me. I will open my doors and show you how to grow a pair and fight back.
Don't let a man treat you like dirt. Make him treat you like the queen you are. The minute he disrespects you, show him the door. You don't need him. Let him know who runs things. 9 times out of 10, he's insecure and that's why he belittles you.
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